My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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