In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
