she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
