I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
They should really pass out barf bags in church
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
