Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
