Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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