my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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