FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
