He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
