somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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