some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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