if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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