I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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