Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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