Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
