I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Every concussion has its silver lining
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize