Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
