I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
