she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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