im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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