i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
