Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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