just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
