There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Text me some of your sweat
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize