Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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