This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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