My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
