True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Less talking, more tequila
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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