Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
