I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
