I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We had to coat check the pizza.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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