all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
