why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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