I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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