***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
