My nipple is on Facebook.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
