i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
