If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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