Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
