just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
