I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
