yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
