I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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