Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
