the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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