I am spending my child support on dildos
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
