She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
