I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
