Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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