If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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