Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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