they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
