I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
We smell like vodka and hangover
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