Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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