i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
