At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
