he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
