Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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