Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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