dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
