I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
