Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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