smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
