apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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